Please do also see other appropriate pictures.
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Alas, due to a severe attack of the vapours, I have been unable to complete any Journal Entries recently, and therefore wish to post (for your edification) the thoughts of my semi-estranged semi-clerical brother, Cardinal Malaprop, who sends me letters from the Vatican on unpredictable occasions. At least he claims that they are from the Vatican, though I suspect that he is merely skulking in the Whitechapel backstreets somewhere and occasionally stealing some incense to scent the missives.
Dearest Ordinal,
I have been considering the Nature of that Thing that you term Second Life recently, and have come to some surprising conclusions about its Insufficiency, as have many Luminaries. Whilst the chattering coffee-house types with their portable Aetherial Eye-Phones may laud Second Life as the best thing since the invention of the Bread-Slicing Machine, even to the extent of many Periodicals publishing breathless articles on the subject, I must say that (despite the fact that I have never visited the world and do not ever wish to do so) I have now scientifically proved that it is at heart inferior for any Sensible Purpose, and that anyone Business-Minded should instead be investing in Kittens.
Here are the points of my thesis, numbered for quick and easy reference as I know you are forgetful.
Reliability. In contrast to your so-called Grid, which pops up and down like a bat on a bellpull, kittens provide continuous and reliable service for years, at least until they mature as a platform and become cats. Far better than any Lab has proven able to provide!
Popularity. The ridiculous claims regarding the number of “Residents” of Second Life have been comprehensively proved false in the literature, and it is well known now that the population of Second Life is in fact you, Mr Warren Ellis and a dozen-odd confused adolescents who were looking for the Penguin Club. In contrast, the number of Kitten Users is vast, I estimate approaching the Thousand Millions.
Scalability. A mere forty or so “Residents” may be present in any “sim” at one time in Second Life, I hear, and even then only if they are willing to bear the trial of moving as if they were in a gluepot. Whereas a single Kitten can provide joy to anyone within petting distance, and what is more, any number of kittens may be present at a location at any one time! Why, I have seen baskets of the things, surrounded by cooing children and maids, and at no point did any of them freeze, disappear or have their boots relocate to their behinds.
Cost. To “reside” in Second Life requires not only a fee to some dubious Colonial “Laboratory”, but also the expenditure of considerable resources on an Engine able to view it, as well as on one’s Aethernet Communications. Kittens, however, come free, with indeed some low folk even disposing of them at times, and require nothing more than the odd piece of fish for their upkeep. Another point for Kittens I feel!
Propriety. Second Life, as the world knows, is a haven for the most appalling perversions and indecencies and outright affronts to nature, whereas Kittens are perhaps the things that most embody the term “Friendly to the Family” yet known to mankind. Would a Man of Business be more ashamed to associate his product with ranting criminal pornographers, or a fluffy bundle of inherent goodness? I think the answer is clear.
Thus, quod erat demonstrandum. I do worry about your continued obsession with this nonsense, dear Sister, and as I know you have thoughts that you are some sort of Scientist, I feel that disassembling what should be clear in any case into unarguable Logical Points may persuade you. Failing that, at the very least my extensive experience of the world of Commerce (as you know I have been Chief Executive Officer of literally dozens of firms!) may influence anyone coming across your public Journal not to waste their shillings on proven claptrap. Kittens, dear fellows, kittens!
Your loving Brother,
Cardinal
P.S. My latest enterprise, a Chap-To-Chap Kitten-Sharing endeavour, is going splendidly, and if you receive any enquiries I would be grateful if you would forward them to me forthwith.
I am not quite sure what to make of this and thus will place it here unedited, but I feel I must mention that the last time I met my brother was when he was up on Weights And Measures charges, for weighing Oranges on an Apple scale.
Clearly, whilst Lord Philip has provided sterling service over the years, there are many things which could be improved, and technology marches on. I would therefore like to announce the campaign by the Punched Cards As Law Party for the position, with its candidate, the automaton Iron Plato.
Herein I will list some of the campaign material that is available at the Headquarters - to be found at Nimue 168, 71 (Iron Plato sits in contemplation in the midst of the worst excesses of Blingtopia, so that his mechanical brain might properly understand the problems that face us as Residents).
Introduction
Welcome, reader! You are first of all to be commended on your initiative and willingness to entertain new ideas, evident in your investigating these Campaign Materials in the first place.
The Punched Cards As Law Party is very pleased to announce the candidacy of the automaton Iron Plato for the role of Governor of Second Life, a role which is shortly to be vacated. It is obvious to us that the activities of Humans in managing the Grid have been sorely lacking in Efficacy and Efficiency, and it is now time for Logic and Rationality - as expressed by Machine - to take their rightful place as the rules by which society must be governed.
To this end we have worked day and night to produce a Thinking Machine, known as Iron Plato and capable of solving every problem known to Resident through the remorseless application of A Priori Logic, and we wish to propose its candidature here. Please do read further and you will be convinced that this, indeed, is the entity that you would be best advised to vote for.
About Iron Plato
The Automaton known as “Iron Plato” is the culmination of many years of work by the men and women of the Punched Cards As Law Party (PCALP) to create a Thinking Machine so powerful it will be able to solve the problems of the Grid with fairness and justice, in the time it would take a human being to say “try clearing your cache”.
Unlike most candidates for Governor, Iron Plato is entirely free of scandal, and is immune to Bribery, Sexual Influence and the Corruption of Power. His intellectual capacities are of the highest calibre (as opposed to Political Figures more interested in Port and Ribaldry than Maths and Philosophy) and, with a full head of steam, he has the physical power of one and a half full-sized locomotives.
Manifesto
While Iron Plato is currently still engaged in the automatic process of devising solutions for every problem in Society - a process expected to finish some time in the next year - and thus unable to specifically deliver a precise manifesto, the following positions on Matters of Import have been divined by his principle attendant, Ms Ordinal Malaprop, through careful examination of the movements of his brain-gears.
On the matter of GRID STABILITY, Iron Plato clearly has a huge advantage over other candidates, as being a machine himself he is able to intrinsically understand the issues involved. As well as this, you as a voter can be assured that Iron Plato has a keen personal interest in maintaining the integrity of the Grid and improving its performance, since it supports the functions of his very mind. Iron Plato will spare no effort to make sure no-one is henceforth made to suffer the indignities of Lag, Sim Crashes, Region Crossing Mishaps and Prims in the Behind. In addition, on being elected Governer, Iron Plato will install Havok 5 as soon as possible; why wait for those concerned to develop it? (If, when this is read, Havok 5 actually exists, kindly substitute Havok N+1 where N is the current version.)
As concerns ENFORCEMENT OF MORALITY, you may be assured that Iron Plato has no interest in preventing humans and others from engaging in whatever perverted activities they may wish to, as he does not comprehend these sorts of fleshy desire in the first place. (There is some indication from certain subroutines that he considers all such things equally disgusting.) Only when said activities encroach on unwilling others, or when Other-World Policemen threaten to prevent the operation of the very fabric of the world, would he dispatch the constabulary - and then, with the clearest and most transparent explanations, laid out in an easily-readable punched-card format for all to see.
Many are concerned about GRIEFING AND CRIMINAL ACTIVITIES, and Iron Plato inherently rejects Chaos and Criminality from the very fabric of his metal being - such things are anathema to the principles he was built on. It therefore goes without saying that the iron fist in the iron glove will be employed whenever Cheaters, Thieves and Vandals are encountered, and Iron Plato’s superior mechanical Mind will construct appropriate retaliatory measures.
AGE VERIFICATION has exercised the pens of a number of the luminaries of the Grid, and the proposals have disturbed a number more. Iron Plato, understanding the issues around the protection and gathering of Personal Information, has no intention of engaging unreliable third-party philosophers in this matter, preferring to keep all relevant data stored in his own vast subterranean archives.
Regarding VOICE, Iron Plato will reject wasteful proposed systems and instead introduce IronVoice (patent pending), which is able to broadcast the exact tone and timbre of one’s own gears and steam engine to all in the vicinity. In all tests, even with the sadly flesh-driven and engine-less, this has proven to be considerably more informative than the whistles, coughs and general inanity common in more traditional and less innovative Vocalisation.
Finally, the issue of EXTERNAL AUTOMATA which seek to Swoop upon Land, record Details of the Activities of Residents, et cetera - while he has been constructed by forward-thinkers and the commercially-minded, Iron Plato has no sympathy for lesser Automata constructed without appropriate Foresight, and which are unable to comprehend the Philosophical Import of their actions. (Iron Plato actually has no sympathy for anything or anyone at all, but that is not particularly relevant here.) So-called “Bots” will be consigned to the scrap-heap with mechanical ruthlessness should they begin to interfere with the Grand Plan of General and Mathematically-Sound Happiness.
The above is but a small part of the product of Iron Plato’s mighty mechanical mind, but even so surely indicates to any Thinking Resident that Iron Plato is the candidate of choice in the forthcoming Gubernatorial Elections.
About the Punched Cards As Law Party
The Punched Cards As Law Party (PCALP) began life as a small discussion group of like-minded Intellectuals, Inventors and Entrepreneurs, examining the role that the marvels of the Steam Age, unhindered by human weaknesses, could play in eliminating war, disease, hunger and rivet shortages. It quickly became clear that without action in the political as well as technical spheres, those weak and corrupt humans currently in power would simply prevent any such a move, or - worse - take control of the Inventions concerned and use them for Evil.
The philosophical basis of the Party quickly developed with the aid of the Aetherial Telegram (commonly known as the “Aethernet”). This is a forward-thinking, clear-headed group, recognising that for all our sakes a partnership is essential between steam and iron on the one hand, and flesh and blood on the other, if Mankind is to progress and not destroy itself in an orgy of irrationality.
Justice, previously decided upon and enforced by weak and partial Policemen, Lawyers, Judges and Rulers, will be the purvey of the impeccable logic and rationality of the Difference Engine, and stacks of bright new punched cards will replace dusty law-books. The Machine, not prey to the Hatreds and Emotions so common in Man, will be not ruler but partner in a future so bright that one will surely be required to wear smoked-glass spectacles. It will be punched cards, not flowery speeches, which determine the nature of the world.
Within the group there are of course different factions, with some going so far as to consider that they might wish to replace organs of their Bodies with Machine Parts of brass and clockwork, but all are convinced that we cannot remain as we are.
All ties with the Confederation of Evil Geniuses were severed in 1894, and the twirling of moustaches is now prohibited by Party regulations.
The Punched Cards As Law Party is now operational as a Group within Second Life, and all are welcome to join, assuming that they are possessed of a Bright and Progressional Attitude to the use of Technology. Together, we will bring the Grid into the new Millennium.
I am sure that we all welcome the latest Clarifying Announcement by the Laboratory reassuring residents that they are ready to ban pretty much anything at a moment’s notice, which will make us all much safer from whatever it was we were in danger from [note to self: fill this bit in later]. After all, it was apparently we who made it clear that certain types of content and activity were simply not acceptable in any form. I’m not sure that I recall that personally, but apparently I did, which makes me slightly concerned as to whether I am underestimating my late-night champagne consumption.
It does occur to me, though, that there may be those who are concerned that they might inadvertantly fall foul of these regulations. I can only put this down to inattention, really, as it is obviously completely clear and always has been that whatever it is that is currently banned can cause whatever punishment it currently does… but inattention is not Broadly Offensive and is thus excusable.
I suggest, then, that artisans muse upon the following and consider incorporating such mechanisms into existing scripts, something which can be quite easily done whilst one is waiting for the resolution of all of the ARs one has filed on one’s enemies and business rivals, as well as one’s neighbours for their Broadly Offensive opinions, haircuts and choice of wallpaper. (One must consider that it will take an appreciable level of time for even Lindens to ban all of them.)
The following should be I believe replace the control mechanism of any weapon:
control(integer level, integer edge)
{
if (level & edge & CONTROL_ML_LBUTTON) {
llSensor("", NULL_KEY, AGENT, 96.0, PI/4);
}
}
sensor(integer n)
{
// Someone might be hit by the bullet!
llOwnerSay("You have attempted to engage in an action which might
involve a depiction of extreme or graphic violence. In order to
keep Second Life safe I am reporting you to Daniel Linden.");
llInstantMessage(
"7083b3f7-6634-44b8-ac35-d55835286dee",
llKey2Name(llGetOwner()) + " has been trying to depict extreme
or graphic violence and needs immediate banning to keep us all
safe."
);
// The above line actually _will_ IM Daniel Linden, and if you
// incorporate it into a real script I take no responsibility for
// your continued existence.
}
no_sensor()
{
// No potential targets, fire away!
shoot_bullet_or_whatever();
}
and I would advise that the following be present in any poseballs, just to be on the side of Safety:
changed(integer change)
{
if ((change & CHANGED_LINK) && llAvatarOnSitTarget() != NULL_KEY) {
llSay(0, "Get off me, you filthy pervert!");
llUnSit(llAvatarOnSitTarget());
}
}
Apropos of not a lot: I was, this afternoon, conversing with Pavig Lok during one of the periods of Grid Irregularity that we face after having been thrown out for no apparent reason, and attempted to pull up a wooden crate to sit on with some vague hope for protection (those who know me will be aware that sitting on crates is in fact my preferred method of resting my weary bones, perhaps due to my inability to construct decent chairs). After the minute or so which said crate took to arrive, I reflected that more protection might be offered if I actually hid inside it.
Clearly this was something both accurate in theoretical nature and necessary for me to construct, and thus I have done so. You may find the Grid Crash Protection Box in the usual places (my Caledon shop - SLurl - or SLX or SLB) and for the usual price (not a bean). Merely right-click and Cower, and you will be immediately protected from all Grid Crashes and other Malign Events. (Also from the attentions of Griefers, Customers and similar.)
Some might say “but Ordinal, what use is a box which protects one as long as one is hiding within it, when, should the Grid fail, the box will be removed and one will be revealed?” To such nonsense I say “Officer! That ruffian there tried to steal my purse! Take them away, give them a sound thrashing and pay no attention to their witterings about boxes” and I will have you know that I am on very good terms with the constabulary.
It really is quite amazing what one can see in Second Life these days. This is a period of unprecedented innovation by all sorts of commercial entities, to whom we should be eternally thankful. After all, only in the past few weeks have we had the first company to launch in Second Life, the first tabloid newspaper to launch in Second Life and now - the first radio station to launch in Second Life!
Channel 4 Radio is also expanding into Second Life, claiming to be the first radio station to be based in the virtual world. Avatars can access the station through virtuallife.tv or listen through a portable virtual radio, and shows will include a dedicated Second Life community show.
Channel 4’s director of radio, Nathalie Schwarz, said listener interaction is important for the station. “Being the first radio station to launch in Second Life enables us to bring our range of programmes to new audiences who are interested in interactive content.”
Just imagine - a radio station inside Second Life! All this time, we have been able to play streaming audio in parcels, and not a soul ever thought to set up a radio station until this auspicious day. I suppose that this is why those such as Ms Schwarz receive sizeable remuneration, and we do not.
I can scarcely begin to comprehend the astounding level of creativity that these forward-thinking individuals exercise for the benefit of we poor benighted avatars. Just think of all of the things which we would not have were it not for the efforts of such folk:
- businesses
- clothes shops
- newspapers
- radio
- live music
- cars
- anything given away for free
What new wonders await us? Perhaps Playboy will launch the first lapdancing establishment in Second Life. Perhaps Clear Channel will be the first to put up annoying advertisements in public places. Perhaps Chiquita will introduce - and this may seem somewhat peculiar, but bear with me, I am feeling the influence of all these media visionaries - a banana that is also a phone!
I hope that you realise quite how lucky you are to be able to be a consumer in this brave new world - and if you ever considered yourself to have actually created something, I hope you also realise now that you didn’t, because it says in the Guardian that someone else was first. Anyway, we are little people, they are big people with expenses and Powerbooks and cocaine and such, and thus it is in the natural order of things that their achievements are noted over our little nonsense tinkerings. My friends, we truly live in an Age of Wonder, which begins anew with every Press Release!
During the latest DownTime I have noticed that certain of my esteemed fellow residents seem to delight in posting the same complaints repeatedly across the forums. In actual fact the details of these complaints seem to vary little between events, and I imagine that it must be something of a strain to produce different prose each time.
With that in mind I have produced one of my Automated Tools for the convenience of anyone wishing to do so. Merely by visiting the Random Linden Lab Flame Generator, one may produce compositions such as
On top of everything else, we have to deal with closing the forums! I signed up so that I could sell inflatable penises - and I can’t!
Is this all some trick to get rid of us so you can sell SL to Microsoft? I put my kids through college by selling badly-made orbiters!
I’m a internet dietician and if I did this in my job I’d be fired! As a paying customer I don’t expect missing textures! This is the worst level of service I have ever seen. I pay for SL out of my hard-earned wages! YOU SUCK!!!
or
Being a Chicken Shack manager means that I know how things should be run - and this isn’t it! On top of everything else, we have to deal with freebie reselling! I’m a lawyer with twenty years experience and if any of my employees behaved like you do, I’d fire them! Why don’t we get more warning about W-Hat? I demand compensation!
for the delight of all readers. I know that I certainly appreciate reading such things. Any further suggestions for professions, issues, products or anything else will be gratefully received.
I’m sure that any person of sufficient powers of concentration to be willing to hack through the thick, obscuring undergrowth of verbiage that makes up my Journal in the faint hope that, in sufficient time, they will clear aside one last creeper to find King Solomon’s Mine revealed (or more likely a deserted quarry and a small squalid shop selling badly-painted souvenirs) has had the experience of becoming so engrossed in some project or other in Second Life that they completely forget to perform some vital task, such as - for the gentlemen - trimming one’s moustache before meeting one’s friends at the club for a snifter, or - for the ladies - reloading one’s revolver before facing down Giant Man-Apes near, though clearly not precisely at, the centre of the Earth.
With this in mind I present a small automaton known as the NagBot. Once in existence, the NagBot will wait until its owner is actually in the world, and then begin to remind them of tasks which they really should complete.
NagBot: Can't you get your act together and finish that
project?
NagBot: Stop wasting time and brush the hedgehog!
The NagBot begins by reminding after five minutes, but with each reminder the interval halves, so that the next is after two-and-a-half, the next one after one-and-a-quarter and so on down to a minimum time of ten seconds. (As set.) One cannot escape from the NagBot anywhere on the grid, and it cannot be bargained with, it cannot be reasoned with, it absolutely will not stop until you are logged out. Actually, if it hears you speaking in its vicinity it will just nag you more.
The script for this device can be found here:
Do modify any of the variables in CAPITAL_LETTERS; their purpose should be adequately explained.
–
On a separate note I have been working on more detailed, and larger, explosions. After some watching of assorted pieces of cinema I came up with a smallish explosive device last night involving three separate particle effects:
The part of this which I was most interested in getting right was the flaming cloud of gas that usually results from any interesting explosion. In this example it appears only quite briefly, but one resulting from different components would appear quite differently. Having bright flames mixed in with black smoke was quite tricky, and is still not perfect, though in my mind nothing I do ever is in any case. The next step I think will be to have a convincing pattern of dust and debris coming up from the ground, either as a mushroom cloud or a ground “ring” effect depending on the altitude of the blast, and perhaps a larger explosion involving a huge roiling cloud of flame moving upwards.
–
And on a final note, through Tinselman I see that Qarl has been breeding blimps, a subject which I believe I have mentioned before in the context of trams and am still somewhat fascinated by. I shall be adding a few more comments to said entry in due course.
On a more entertaining (if unmannerly) note than my complaints regarding Scripting, I see that certain forward young ladies of a technological persuasion have been putting themselves about on the Aethernet. Disgraceful.
Are you a man who can equal Mr. Ferdinand Zeppelin? If so, dial 12 on your Bell’s Telephone Box and prepare for witticisms that would give the queen the vapors!
As we all know, the entire grid is under savage attack from free account griefers armed with freebie pushguns and unsavoury furry body parts. Sensible folk of course have banlines up on their property at all times, and ideally sit inside concrete pillboxes as well.
However, we all must go out into the rest of the world sometimes, and what is one to do on such an occasion? The device I believe you require is a Personal Ban Zone. Arm yourself in the knowledge that no damnable lower-class freeloading ruffian can get near!
Available for free as a public service from SLExchange, SLBoutique or the freebie box in my Caledon home.
(Please note that this product may not actually do anything at all.)
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