• strict warning: Non-static method view::load() should not be called statically in /home/ordinal/ordinalmalaprop.com/engine/sites/all/modules/views/views.module on line 906.
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Second Life Versus Kittens: A Clear Loss

Alas, due to a severe attack of the vapours, I have been unable to complete any Journal Entries recently, and therefore wish to post (for your edification) the thoughts of my semi-estranged semi-clerical brother, Cardinal Malaprop, who sends me letters from the Vatican on unpredictable occasions. At least he claims that they are from the Vatican, though I suspect that he is merely skulking in the Whitechapel backstreets somewhere and occasionally stealing some incense to scent the missives.

Dearest Ordinal,

Kittens - better than Second Life I have been considering the Nature of that Thing that you term Second Life recently, and have come to some surprising conclusions about its Insufficiency, as have many Luminaries. Whilst the chattering coffee-house types with their portable Aetherial Eye-Phones may laud Second Life as the best thing since the invention of the Bread-Slicing Machine, even to the extent of many Periodicals publishing breathless articles on the subject, I must say that (despite the fact that I have never visited the world and do not ever wish to do so) I have now scientifically proved that it is at heart inferior for any Sensible Purpose, and that anyone Business-Minded should instead be investing in Kittens.

Here are the points of my thesis, numbered for quick and easy reference as I know you are forgetful.

  1. Reliability. In contrast to your so-called Grid, which pops up and down like a bat on a bellpull, kittens provide continuous and reliable service for years, at least until they mature as a platform and become cats. Far better than any Lab has proven able to provide!

  2. Popularity. The ridiculous claims regarding the number of "Residents" of Second Life have been comprehensively proved false in the literature, and it is well known now that the population of Second Life is in fact you, Mr Warren Ellis and a dozen-odd confused adolescents who were looking for the Penguin Club. In contrast, the number of Kitten Users is vast, I estimate approaching the Thousand Millions.

  3. Scalability. A mere forty or so "Residents" may be present in any "sim" at one time in Second Life, I hear, and even then only if they are willing to bear the trial of moving as if they were in a gluepot. Whereas a single Kitten can provide joy to anyone within petting distance, and what is more, any number of kittens may be present at a location at any one time! Why, I have seen baskets of the things, surrounded by cooing children and maids, and at no point did any of them freeze, disappear or have their boots relocate to their behinds.

  4. Cost. To "reside" in Second Life requires not only a fee to some dubious Colonial "Laboratory", but also the expenditure of considerable resources on an Engine able to view it, as well as on one's Aethernet Communications. Kittens, however, come free, with indeed some low folk even disposing of them at times, and require nothing more than the odd piece of fish for their upkeep. Another point for Kittens I feel!

  5. Propriety. Second Life, as the world knows, is a haven for the most appalling perversions and indecencies and outright affronts to nature, whereas Kittens are perhaps the things that most embody the term "Friendly to the Family" yet known to mankind. Would a Man of Business be more ashamed to associate his product with ranting criminal pornographers, or a fluffy bundle of inherent goodness? I think the answer is clear.

Thus, quod erat demonstrandum. I do worry about your continued obsession with this nonsense, dear Sister, and as I know you have thoughts that you are some sort of Scientist, I feel that disassembling what should be clear in any case into unarguable Logical Points may persuade you. Failing that, at the very least my extensive experience of the world of Commerce (as you know I have been Chief Executive Officer of literally dozens of firms!) may influence anyone coming across your public Journal not to waste their shillings on proven claptrap. Kittens, dear fellows, kittens!

Your loving Brother,


P.S. My latest enterprise, a Chap-To-Chap Kitten-Sharing endeavour, is going splendidly, and if you receive any enquiries I would be grateful if you would forward them to me forthwith.

I am not quite sure what to make of this and thus will place it here unedited, but I feel I must mention that the last time I met my brother was when he was up on Weights And Measures charges, for weighing Oranges on an Apple scale.

Crap Mariner's picture
11 Sep200705:13
Crap Mariner (not verified)

For years, whenever people have asked me to build them a computer or a website, I've told them "Wouldn't you rather have a cat?"

Ordinal Malaprop's picture
11 Sep200706:08
Ordinal Malaprop (not verified)

The only excuse for building a computer or website is _already_ having a cat. First things first.

Scott McMillin's picture
11 Sep200706:31
Scott McMillin (not verified)

As usual your timing is uncanny. My cat Simon just violently regurgitated a hairball (really, he did). And now I struggle to manufacturer a satirical knee-slapper to further your analogy. Some sort of grid-crashing, teleport-not-working, inventory-losing, kitten-piddling, cat-vomiting, furniture-scratching parallel. And yet, I stare blankly at the page. My wit has left me.

Carry on.

The Daily Loper - September 10, 2007 | Medialoper's picture
11 Sep200711:15
The Daily Loper - September 10, 2007 | Medialoper (not verified)

[...] Second Life Versus Kittens: A Clear LossPossibly the greatest Second Life blog post ever. [...]

Where’s my HUD? » Blog Archive's picture
11 Sep200715:11
Where’s my HUD? » Blog Archive (not verified)

[...] Second Life Versus Kittens: A Clear Loss Filed under Uncategorized having Leave a Comment [...]

Meanwhile, Elsewhere On The Aethernets « paintings and rambl's picture
11 Sep200720:46
Meanwhile, Elsewhere On The Aethernets « paintings and rambl (not verified)

[...] behind the ears and then stand in awe of such a a remarkable point of view. You might want to read it yourself, while I stare outside my window and think about the settling dust on the winds of [...]

TerryAnn Antonelli's picture
11 Sep200720:51
TerryAnn Antonelli (not verified)

I am owned by 3 cats, one of whom sleeps on the monitor or hangs his head over and bats at things in SecondLife. Fortunately, he has given his blessing to anything that moves a cursor around.

HeadBurro Antfarm's picture
11 Sep200721:24
HeadBurro Antfarm (not verified)

I feel much the same way about ducks. And they give you eggs.

hexx Triskaidekaphobia's picture
11 Sep200723:37
hexx Triskaidekaphobia (not verified)

I am employed by five cats who, after reading your brother's letter, all want me to create an avatar for them in Second Life. So yet again, there is no rest unto the weary!

Alexia's picture
12 Sep200703:08
Alexia (not verified)

Dear sir. While I must concur you raise many fine points, I must call to the fore some small bias in your report.

For instance. In favor of SecondLife, one might observe the following.

SecondLife cleans its own sandboxes.

While both systems may from time to time be plagued with replicators, the ones on kittens (known as fleas and mites) tend to be harder to purge and by far more annoying. For that matter, kittens themselves my replicated wildly if left unchecked.

Whereas most sounds in SecondLife may be muted with relative ease, the same can not be said for cat.

SecondLife (at this time) does not support any form of scent-based griefing.

There are also many flaws both systems share. Destroying your favourite drapes or furniture, occassionally puking on your shoes, and many physics problems that result in disaster.

For these reasons and many others, may I humbly suggest that the pet Rock may be far superior to either system.

Shockwave Yareach's picture
12 Sep200703:17
Shockwave Yareach (not verified)

Alas, good Cardinal, before joining that merry band at the Vatican, you clearly sold cars for a living. You are, in fact, neglecting many of the costs associated with SL and Kittens.

Reliability: Second Life works occassionaly, doing what we expect it to do. Days like this are written down on the calendar and celebrated with great fanfare by the SL community. On the other hand, no cat has ever done what any person has wanted it to do. Since occassional usability still beats out never for reliability, that's a point for SL.

Popularity: Some people are unable to use a computer, learn how to walk or even type. This prevents some people from being a part of the great worldwide phenomanon. Unfortunately, some people are also allergic to cats to the point that any exposure to an odd tabby can be fatal. Nobody has ever died from SL. Point for SL.

Scalability: Yes, each sim has a limit to how many people it can support. So does ones house. But cats breed and breed until they overflow the house, regardless of this. At least in SL, the sim doesn't let you overload the place with countless loose pussies. Advantage, SL.

Cost: Being in SL has monthly charges and considerable gear pricetags, this is true. But cats are not as inexpensive as you may think. And when you have to replace your sofa that has been soaked in cat pee then scratched to ribbons, you'll start to imagine a wonderful place where there is no sense of smell and where you are able to shoot the cat. Or at least make the cat buy the next sofa. Again, SL has the advantage.

Propriety: Nobody in their right mind thinks a cat is a paragon of all that's pure and wholesome. Sure, they are cute and cuddly in the day where we can see them. But at night, they turn into screaming demons who fight and fornicate with wanton abondon. When you talk about the seas of cute kittens, ask yourself where those millions of kitties came from. Here is a hint - they don't come from Mattel.

The Daily Loper - September 11, 2007 | Medialoper's picture
12 Sep200711:34
The Daily Loper - September 11, 2007 | Medialoper (not verified)

[...] Second Life Versus Kittens: A Clear LossPossibly the greatest Second Life blog post ever. [...]

Veyron Supercharge's picture
12 Sep200713:06
Veyron Supercharge (not verified)

Somewhere in here is Schrodinger's Cat. And given Second Life's normal reliability, I think we can assume it's dead....

Skusting Dagger's picture
14 Sep200722:00
Skusting Dagger (not verified)

I seem to be one of the lucky few who's feline masters show no indication whatsoever of an interest of my goings on with the aethernet.
They do not even acknowledge the existence of my computer screen no matter what may be prancing, flying, or crawing about within its confines.
They do not even seem to be intersted in real mice let alone the tailless one whichg serves as my interface.
They have no interest in finding access to the surface of my desk, no desire to sleep on the keyboard. or anything of that sort.
Occaisionaly, one of them (Yuri - the pudgy one) will come stand on the floor next to my chair and just stand there until I give him a quick ear or head rub, then he is off again to his favorite chair to laze about. His brother (Shep - the sleek one) never comes near when I am at the desk.

Ordinal Malaprop's picture
15 Sep200719:44
Ordinal Malaprop (not verified)

I imagine that means they are plotting something.

Alyx Sands's picture
30 Sep200704:57
Alyx Sands (not verified)

Being owned by ten former kittens, I have to disagree on no. 4 raised by the good Cardinal. They cost a lot more than my account! ;)
I think the best combination is using SL with a cat on your lap. It's highly enjoyable, as long as said kitten does not try to join because your avatar looks so enticing. Also, cats on keyboards=BAD. One of mine managed to select some emails of mine, coloured them purple, of all things, and then shut down the computer with a nicely placed paw on the keyboard shutdown button. I came back from making tea and thought, hey, I did NOT switch this thing off!

Sweet Second Life - Today’s Top Blog Posts on Second Life - 's picture
01 Oct200720:01
Sweet Second Life - Today’s Top Blog Posts on Second Life - (not verified)

[...] An Engine Fit For My Proceeding · Second Life Versus Kittens: A Clear Loss [...]

Oh, and another thing… « Dressing Up Dogs's picture
02 Nov200721:15
Oh, and another thing… « Dressing Up Dogs (not verified)

[...] as “Second Life”. Whether you are or not, you could do an awful lot worse than look at Ordinal Malaprop’s steampunk-themed blog. Ms Malaprop is a major figure in the Victorian steampunk areas of Second Life and her blog [...]

Hot links » Blog Archive » Fishing 336's picture
20 May200816:08
Hot links » Blog Archive » Fishing 336 (not verified)

[...] I found this great article. You can read rest of it here : here [...]

Hot links » Blog Archive » new fishing info 336's picture
20 May200816:37
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[...] I found this great article. You can read rest of it here : here [...]